


Astronauts

by Haruka_1224



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Suicidal Ideation, the rest of Roselia appear briefly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 03:52:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16485413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haruka_1224/pseuds/Haruka_1224
Summary: Minato Yukina had been nothing but a giant inconvenience all her life, the kind of person that had put more frowns than smiles on the faces of those who loved her. She was nothing but a headache, a constant, nagging worry in the back of their minds, because she was so incapable of taking care of herself. It was as if she constantly forgot that she was a human being, that she could not survive in solitude on an island of her own making. And because of that, all she could do was hurt those who drew close to her, as if she were more cactus than human.WARNING: Suicidal ideation and attempt. There is no character death in this story, but please be careful.





	Astronauts

Minato Yukina had been nothing but a giant inconvenience all her life, the kind of person that had put more frowns than smiles on the faces of those who loved her. She was nothing but a headache, a constant, nagging worry in the back of their minds, because she was so incapable of taking care of herself. It was as if she constantly forgot that she was a human being, that she could not survive in solitude on an island of her own making. And because of that, all she could do was hurt those who drew close to her, as if she were more cactus than human.

“Those who drew close to her.” Who was Yukina trying to fool? There was only one person who was close enough to be hurt by her, and that was the person she was writing a song to. She was not quite sure where the song was going, or what she wanted it to say, or if she would ever sing it. She just knew that she had to finish writing it tonight.

She’d never written a song in a single day before, but she knew she had to, she knew she would, because the image that started it all was still painfully fresh in her mind.

_ If I were able to eat all of the curry we had tonight, I wonder if that would be good. _ _   
_ _ You pulled a face and said, “It’s okay not to eat anymore.” _

The melody and lyrics had reached out and grabbed at her the moment they had parted for the night, their houses side-by-side along the darkened street. The curry had been delicious, the shop was extremely famous and had incredibly long lines, yet something had stolen away her appetite. Despite that, she tried her best to keep eating, because someone important to her had gone out of the way to take her there, until that girl set a hand on her shoulder and told her not to force herself.

What was wrong with her? Yukina had no idea, but it felt as if there was a heavy ball lodged in the pit of her stomach, one that was slowly coming undone with each word that escaped from her pen.

Where were these words even coming from? Yukina had no idea, but they weren’t stopping, they weren’t really filtered, spilling from her pen like water from a broken dam. What if, the thoughts kept saying, what if you were a different Minato Yukina to who you are today?

If you were to be bullied, instead of looked up to like some sort of singing goddess, what would be different? What kind of person would you be, what kind of behaviors would be normal to that kind of you? Would things be better, would the most important person in Yukina’s life be able to smile more often if she were different?

_ If I were to be all by myself, I would be able to live without troubling you. _

It was a painful thing to admit, but it was the truth. How many times had that precious person stayed up all night worrying about her, how many times had that girl waited outside her door for her, ready to help despite always being shut out? Yukina’s hands trembled, but she took a steadying breath and continued anyway.

_ But you see, in that case, I might have to live without having known you. _

Did that sound too selfish? She hesitated, mumbling the words under her breath. It probably did, but it was also the truth, wasn’t it? Yukina was not selfless enough to wish away the warmth and comfort that Imai Lisa had given her, even though she was ridden with guilt due to all the pain and trouble she had caused.

She could lie, scratch out those words and write something kinder, sweeter, in their place, but she wasn’t really the type to say things she didn’t mean.

_ If I were a liar, would you scold that kind of me? _

Maybe, maybe if that was the case, she would have scolded her and stormed out, instead of constantly supporting Yukina through her mistakes with unwavering loyalty that she could never hope to deserve. A liar was easy to get upset with and walk away from, while a quiet loner seemed almost too pitiful to abandon. Maybe Lisa would have been happier, in a world where she had left Yukina.

_ Many “what-if” stories like that started floating around in my room. _

Where were all these questions coming from? It was as if there were a sudden crack in reality, born from the emptiness that Yukina felt, spitting out those stories in a way to fill the void. But there was no meaning to them, they were nothing but speculation, a world of possibilities that Yukina could never access. She had made her choices, which had formed her own reality, and she hated it more than anything else.

_ Now, I close my eyes, put my hands over my ears and start walking. _ _   
_ _ Your voice, your smile, I cannot see them, but I suppose that’s okay. _

Was it really? Startled, Yukina whispered the words she had written once again, the hesitation in her heart suddenly disappearing. It was something that had troubled her for the last few weeks, losing the familiar warmth of Lisa’s voice and smile, yet…

Right now, it seemed alright, as if it was something she could bear. Maybe… maybe it was because she finally accepted how hopeless she was, and how much better it would be for them both if things ended this way.

If things could be different, then it would be a whole other story. They could be happy together, maybe, but that was no longer possible, was it? If somehow, Lisa could take only the bad, unhealthy things from Yukina’s head, everything would probably be great, but that wasn’t how life worked. Yukina was too weak to deal with those terrible things on her own, and it just wasn’t possible for someone else to save her from herself. Lisa had done everything she could, she had gone above and beyond what was expected, and Yukina could not even dream of asking her for more.

It was enough, it was enough. She could easily, honestly and certainly say that Lisa knew her better than she knew herself; what more could she ask for? Lisa knew what Yukina was feeling before Yukina herself did, she noticed when her mood changed before Yukina herself did, she knew what she wanted better than Yukina herself did…

_ If I were an honest person, would you believe me if I said this was the end? _

What “end” was she talking about, Yukina wondered, the end of her life, or the end of her running away from her problems? If it were the latter, Lisa would surely smile at her, she would surely be happy and understanding and more than ready to support Yukina in facing her monsters head-on.

However… she did not mean “the end” in that way, did she? Her words wouldn’t reach Lisa properly, no matter how many times she said them, because she wasn’t telling it to her straight. She was deliberately being ambiguous, leaving room for interpretation, because she knew Lisa would try to take it in the most positive way possible. Lisa always had faith in her, always hoped for the best from her, even though Yukina had hardly lived up to any of it. Yukina was pathetic in more ways than one, even though she was the only one who could see it.

_ If I were still alive, I would write a song just for you to hear. _

That was “the end” that she truly meant, wasn’t it? This song was more of a farewell letter than a song, and its melody would be one that no one would ever hear. It was something Lisa would only read in the morning, when Yukina had already started walking away from her into another world. There was no way Yukina could ever sing this to her, not while she was still alive, because these were words that would bring about consequences she would never be ready to face.

_ Just as I thought, it’s embarrassing, so I won’t let you hear it but… _   
_ I’d like to sing it to you, someday. _

Still… it was a song she was writing just for Lisa, and it felt like a shame to leave it this way, incomplete, nothing but painful words bereft of a tune. It was a song that came from the very bottom of Yukina’s confused heart, containing words she decided not to hold back; it was the most honest song she had ever written, and it would be nice if it could be heard.

_ It would be nice if it reached you, someday. _

Blinking the tears from her eyes, Yukina rounded off the song, turning the words that had first cleared the clouds of hesitation from her heart into its chorus.

_ Now, I close my eyes, put my hands over my ears and start walking. _ _   
_ _ Your voice, your smile, I cannot see them, but I suppose that’s okay. _

That’s okay.

Yukina’s hands were trembling as she transferred the lyrics onto a piece of letter paper, taking great care to form every single word perfectly. They were the very last words Lisa would have from her, so she wanted them to be clear, to be perfect in the way she never could be. Tonight would be her last night on earth, and the next sunrise would be the last one she would ever see. For some reason, deciding that made all her pain go away, as if the world were telling her that she had made the right decision and just needed to finalize her plans.

Sliding the letter into its matching envelope, Yukina placed it next to her laptop as she began to check the next day’s train timetable.

 

* * *

 

“Yukina-san, over here, over here!” Ako waved enthusiastically, hopping up and down on the spot with more energy than Yukina ever imagined a human being could have.

“What’s wrong, suddenly calling us out to a place like this?” there was a smile on Lisa’s face, and her tone was so lighthearted that Yukina could almost weep. It hadn’t been like that last night, when it was thin with worry and her brow was furrowed in a frown; was this proof that she had made the right decision?

“Everyone worked hard for our last concert,” she replied, her voice steadier than she had expected it to be, “I thought we deserved a break.”

It was a plausible explanation, one that everyone seemed to accept. The live had been draining to prepare for, but it had gone amazingly and the audience had walked away with the colors of Roselia blossoming wildly in their hearts. It was quite logical that Yukina would want to reward everyone for so much hard work.

A few weeks ago, Ako had suggested a band trip to the zoo that Yukina had vetoed, adamant that practice came before such frivolous activities, but now… it seemed like a fitting place to hold her farewell. It was a place Ako and Lisa wanted to go to, a place that was lighthearted and fun enough for even Rinko and Sayo to have fun.

“Rinrin, look!” They were barely inside the zoo for thirty seconds before Ako had run off, attracted by the crocodile enclosure, dragging a startled Rinko by the hand.

“Udagawa-san, it’s dangerous to just take off like that!” Sayo scolded immediately, going after them in case they were to get lost.

Warmed by the familiar sight, Yukina smiled and shook her head slightly, “Just another school trip with Sayo-sensei, huh?”

For a moment, Lisa looked stunned by just how good her mood was. And then she smiled back, that beautiful, unchanging smile that Yukina longed to have tattooed behind her eyelids. “It’s just like the time at the water park, yeah?”

Yukina nodded, trying not to blush as she remembered the swimsuit she had been made to wear, and the way Lisa’s eyes had lit up at the sight of it. That was one of the few times she had managed to spend time with Lisa without worrying her, and she had to do something incredibly out of character to attain it.

“Let’s… follow them,” she said quickly, plunging into the excited crowd of children and their tired parents in search of her bandmates.

With a laugh, Lisa followed right behind her, so close that she could probably hear Yukina’s heartbeat. Lisa was too close, Lisa would always be too close, and Yukina had to be on her guard to make sure that nothing gave her plan away. If Lisa caught even the slightest inkling of what she planned to do that night, everything would go to hell, and she would only end up making the most important person in the whole world cry again.

“Wow~!” Ako’s excited voice cut through the crowd, and Yukina quickly stood by her side to check out whatever it was that had caught her eye.

The elephants were being fed, their long trunks shoveling food into their small mouths, the sight causing Ako to vibrate on the spot as she clung on to Rinko’s arm. A few steps away, Sayo watched over them both with her arms folded, with the barest hint of a smile on her lips. She would be loathe to show it, but Sayo did often enjoy spending time with the other members of the band. Hopefully, today would be a good memory for her, too, even though she wasn’t quite as eager to play games in a zoo as the others.

“Ah, A-Ako-chan, d-don’t lean so far over the rails…!” with a panicked cry, Rinko grabbed the back of the younger girl’s shirt.

In a flash, Sayo and Lisa were by her side, hauling the poor child off the railing as if she were a misbehaving puppy, much to the amusement of nearby onlookers. As they scolded her and checked over her like a group of worried elder siblings, Yukina could not help but smile. They had really come a long way from the fractured band of skilled but awkward people Yukina had dragged together for the sole purpose of musical brilliance. There were real bonds of friendship between them now, everyone had grown and improved in their own ways; everyone but Yukina herself.

Everyone was shining, brilliant stars in the night sky, while Yukina was a dim, struggling firefly relying on their strength. While others might be dazzled by the light she could emit, by her talent, those close enough to her knew that she could not shine for very long, that she was but a small, pathetic little thing struggling to make it through another day.

“Yukina, we’re moving off, you know,” Lisa’s voice drew her from her thoughts.

Ignoring the worried look on her friend’s face, Yukina replied as calmly as she could, “Of course. I was just a little… distracted.”

“Is something the matter?” Lisa’s tone was casual, but the piercing look in her eyes told Yukina she was anything but. Whenever it came to matters concerning Yukina, no matter how trivial they seemed, Lisa was always ready to treat them with the grave seriousness one normally reserved for close family members being diagnosed with terminal illnesses.

Shaking her head, Yukina pushed on, peering over Sayo’s shoulder at the map in an attempt to change the subject. “Where are we going to next?”

Almost automatically, Sayo responded, “Udagawa-san wants to see the seal show at 2:30pm. I suggest taking this route along the outer ring...”

Once again, Sayo had a perfectly planned itinerary to allow for everyone to get what they wanted in the most efficient way possible, despite having never been to that particular zoo before. Fortunately, that great feat had impressed Lisa enough to distract her from her concern for Yukina, and as the group ambled along their way to the lion enclosure, Sayo and Lisa continued chatting about research articles and reference books.

However, before Yukina could breathe a sigh of relief, Lisa was by her side again, reaching out for her hand as she said, “Come on, let’s go to the front. You like cats, don’t you? Lions are just really big cats~”

“N-not really,” Yukina stammered, forcing herself to blush and fluster the way she normally would, “A-ah, Lisa!”

Before she knew it, Lisa had dragged her right to the edge of the lion enclosure, where Ako was standing obediently, both feet firmly planted on the ground, by Sayo’s side. Giving in, Yukina joined them, deciding that it probably wouldn’t be bad to have a good time herself on her very last day on earth. It might be nice for the others to remember her smiling, because it wasn’t something she did all that often while she was with them.

Today would be a good day. Yukina would make sure of it, because she was finally free of the weight that dogged her every step, and she wanted to make sure she had one final farewell, one final thank you, to the band that had supported her for so long.

“Yukina, are you sure you’re alright?” Lisa took her hand so gently, Yukina could have wept.

Instead, she chose to smile, the lightest, brightest one she had ever smiled. “Yeah, everything is great.”

 

* * *

 

Holding the letter close to her chest with trembling hands, Yukina took a deep breath as she gazed out her window. This was it, the end of all her suffering; she could finally put an end to the daily waves of fresh pain and worry she brought to those who loved her. Sure, there would be pain when they realized what she had done, there would be sadness as they mourned her, but it would end up being less pain than if she had continued living for another five, maybe ten years. It was a worthy tradeoff, Yukina had calculated; Lisa would be strong enough to move on, and she would be able to find someone better to devote herself to. Someone more deserving of her kindness and unwavering support, someone who could give her more than worried frowns and tear-filled nights.

Sliding open her balcony door, Yukina stepped out into the cool night, taking great care not to make a single sound. Sometimes, even just the slightest whisper of her slippers against the wooden floor would wake Lisa, and she would be out in a heartbeat, blinking sleepily like a kitten but ready to support Yukina with everything she had. It was as if Lisa were equipped with some sort of supernatural sensor, attuned to Yukina’s needs, so that she would always be ready to help.

However, tonight, there was no need for her to wake up. Lisa could just keep sleeping, exhausted by a long day of lighthearted activities, until the morning came and she found that letter when she pulled the curtains open. That was all Yukina needed from her now, the very last request she would ask of the girl she did not deserve to love.

Sliding the letter across the wood, Yukina whispered her final goodbye before slipping back into her room, down the stairs and out the front door. Locking it soundlessly behind her, Yukina slid into the dark, lonely streets, a hood drawn low over her face to hide her from any familiar people she might be unlucky enough to encounter.

At this time of the night, barely ten minutes from the last train, most of the people around her were either drunk or about to be. Some of them were unsteady on their feet, lurching about like zombies, while others walked with hurried steps as they attempted to catch the last train home.

Two minutes to midnight.

It was a pretty good time to die, Yukina thought. It suited the atmosphere perfectly - quiet, dark and lonely, a fitting end to the quiet, dark and lonely life of a foolish teenager. No one would raise an eyebrow when a life ended at this time of the night, because it seemed like the most natural habitat of death. Where else would it lurk if not the long, quiet shadows in the middle of the night?

Stepping into the station, Yukina tapped her card for the final time, descended the familiar steps for the final time, and stepped out into the platform to wait for the last train of her pathetic life.

00:03. Four minutes to the end of it all, to the birth of a world where she no longer lived.

00:04.

00:05.

Slowly, the clock in the station inched forward, counting down the final, empty moments of Minato Yukina’s life. It was strangely peaceful, standing on a mostly deserted platform with all her goodbyes said and her final smiles made and shared. It was as if… she was finally free once she had chosen to die.

00:06.

“The train is arriving shortly,” the announcer’s voice came on, along with a warning that it was the last train of the night. Anyone wanting to head in that direction should hop aboard, it warned; she knew that if she missed it, there would not be another for at least five hours.

Closing her eyes, Yukina inched forward as she heard the whoosh of the arriving train. As she continued walking, crossing the yellow safety line and heading toward the edge of no return, she could not help but smile.

It was finally over, wasn’t it? She could close her eyes and rest for good now, couldn’t she, in a world where there would be no morning bringing more battles she had to fight?

She could rest easy now, Yukina thought as she felt the edge of the platform beneath her shoes, it was finally time to sleep…

“Yukina!”

A sharp cry of her name, an even sharper tug on her sleeve, and all of a sudden Yukina felt herself tumbling into warm arms as the train whooshed safely past. The last train of the night, her last chance, had been ripped away from her just like that…

A wave of anger rose inside her, and Yukina slammed her palms into the chest of her captor as she tried to wrench herself free. However, that person merely took hold of her wrists and pulled her even closer, the familiar scent of their skin hitting Yukina like a slap to the face.

Hesitantly, Yukina opened her eyes, “Li… Lisa…?”

The first thing she realized was that Lisa was still in her pajamas, clothes that were obviously ill-suited to the autumn chill, and she was trembling. However, as Yukina slowly met her eyes, it was obvious that it was not just the cold that caused Lisa to shake; her eyes were filled with tears, her face red, and she looked torn between rage, sorrow and relief all at once.

“Yukina, you idiot!” the words seemed to have been torn from the bottom of Lisa’s very soul, shaking the very foundation of her being.

Stunned, Yukina could only stare blankly at her, wondering just how she had known where to find her, and how she had done it so quickly. Hadn’t Lisa been asleep just minutes ago, when Yukina slipped the letter over onto her balcony?

“How could you…” Lisa was sobbing so hard, Yukina could feel every trembling breath rumble through her like an earthquake. “Yukina, how could you try to leave me like this?”

She had no answer, she could not possibly answer. Yukina felt numb, empty, as if her insides had been hollowed out and the wound cauterized. She had no idea how to feel, stopped from obtaining the freedom she so desperately desired and thrust into the warm, trembling arms of the girl she loved. Should she be angry that Lisa got in her way, or should she feel happy that Lisa was here, holding onto her as if she would never let go again?

“Did you really think this would make me feel better!?” Lisa shouted, pulling a slightly crumpled piece of paper from her pocket - Yukina’s farewell letter. “All those ‘what-ifs’... didn’t it occur to you that I would think the same!?”

_ Eh? _ Faint shock stirred through Yukina as Lisa continued, “I would… I would have wondered… what if I had been a better friend to you!? What if I could have stopped you, if I could have saved you, if I could have been…”

She trailed off into more sobbing, burying her face in Yukina’s shoulder. She was crying so hard, as if the entire world had just collapsed on her and she was alone in the debris; did Yukina really mean that much to her?

“Li… sa…” Honestly, none of that had ever occurred to Yukina. She had strongly believed Lisa would move forward with her life, those beautiful silver eyes pinned firmly on the road ahead, and she would come to forget the darkness and pain Yukina had inflicted on her. She was nothing but a weak, bothersome teenager, one that sought solitude despite feeling lonely; wouldn’t it be freeing for Lisa to not have to deal with her anymore?

Why would someone like Lisa, who was so bright and beautiful and endlessly good, waste a single moment thinking about a hopeless child like Yukina? Why was Lisa even bothered to run after her, to shed tears for her, to worry about her?

“You’re right, you have made me worry a lot,” Lisa choked out, her raised voice echoing across the empty platform. “You’ve given me sleepless nights, you’ve made me lose my appetite. But you’ve also made me smile more times than I can count. You’ve made me feel like the luckiest person in the world to be standing next to you, to have my name on your lips. I…”

She trailed off, moving back a little so that she could meet Yukina’s eyes. “I talk to everyone about you, Yukina. It annoys them sometimes, but… they see how happy it makes me, how… how just the mention of your name makes me a thousand times brighter. Yukina, you could never be an inconvenience to me, even if you tried. It’s… I consider it a privilege, to… to be trusted with your burdens. Yukina… I…”

She leaned forward again, just until their foreheads touched, “I love you.”

That was the moment the floodgates opened, a myriad of confusing emotions filling Yukina’s chest as she flung her arms around Lisa’s neck, sobbing like a child. She wanted to die, even now that had not changed, but… there was now a part of her that wanted to live, that wanted to fight for a new ‘what if’ with everything she had.

What if she could change? What if she could be a better person for Lisa, what if she could love Lisa and be loved by Lisa in a healthy, proper way; what would their lives be like then? Lisa would surely be happier, she would definitely smile a lot more than she did now, and… Yukina herself might be happier, too. What if, instead of giving up here, she tried just one more time?

It was going to be difficult, the tears that streamed down her cheeks were mixed with fear, but… she wanted to do it, for Lisa. After all, wasn’t that what you did for someone you loved? More than you think you can, and then more still.

“I’m sorry, Lisa…”

No, that was not what she really needed to say. There were better words, better actions than apologizing and crying like a child.

“I’ll be better, for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> The song Yukina wrote as her farewell letter is Astronauts by Powapowa-P, a young producer who took his own life shortly after posting his final song, "Akai Pen wo Onegaishimasu."  
> I wrote this while I was in a pretty bad place myself, so I hope you excuse how angsty this came out to be.


End file.
